Authors, agents, publishers, and readers: it’s time for the 2019 Johnny Bingo Awards!
Wait, what’s that you say? I didn’t give out the 2018 Awards? Or 2017, 2016…jeez, when was the last time I did these things? 2009?! Well, that’s embarrassing. I have long mocked the Nobel Prize in Literature for their curious choices, but at least they remember to give out their awards every year (whether the winner shows up or not is another question entirely).
There’s only one option here: claim it was my intention all along to skip ten years and hand out The Johnny Bingo Awards for the Decade!
These awards have flexible rules. Indeed there is only one that matters (to which I will make a slight update):
“The Johnny Bingo Award(s) have one judge – me – and one rule: all eligible books must have been finished by me this
I’m going to do this Oscar style: start with some fun awards, then get into the long weird section, and close out with the big ones. And away we go:
Best Rock & Roll Book
The 2010s brought us a lot of books about classic rock. I read the “The English Guitarist Memoir Trilogy” (Keith Richards’ Life, Pete Townshend’s Who I Am, and Clapton: The Autobiography). I enjoyed Pamela Des Barres’ delightful groupie memoir, I’m With the Band. And Stephen Hyden's Twilight of the Gods was...well, I don't know what it was exactly - part memoir, part classic rock history, but mostly hanging out with a smart and interesting guy who has thought entirely too much about classic rock and what it means to people of a certain age.
But the winner here is The Trouble Boys: The Story of the Replacements. Bob Mehr’s chronicle of this brilliant but self-destructive band has all the sex, drugs and rock and roll the genre promises. And it has one of my favorite components of rock books – encounters with other musicians (in particular, the members of REM, who are a steady presence as competitors, counterpoint, and comrades).
It also gave me what I was really looking for: an insight into the creative process. Townshend’s book does that too, but in a self-consciously intellectual way. Clapton’s music is ultimately too derivative – his inspiration is other musicians – to provide creative insight. And Keith Richards, bless his pirate soul, seems to have no earthly idea where the music comes from.
But these drunken nuts from Minneapolis were true artists, and the journey with them was fascinating.
Best Book from a Binge Read
The 2010s brought us binge-watching, and perhaps not coincidentally I did some binge-reading this decade. Not on authors, but on subjects.
Ben McIntyre’s A Spy Among Friends: Kim Philby and the Great Betrayal sent me down a Cambridge Five Spy Ring rabbit hole. T.H. White’s Once and Future King inspired a quest to learn everything I could about King Arthur and Arthurian legend. (Bernard Cornwell’s Warlord Chronicles is a wonderful imagining of how a possibly historical medieval warlord could’ve evolved into the English legend). And Sherlock Holmes – wow, did I go full Sherlock this decade. I read every word Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote, and numerous non-canon Sherlock books by everyone from Michael Chabon to Caleb Carr*.
* I highly recommend Graham Moore’s The Sherlockian. Moore published this exceedingly clever novel in 2010, then four years later won the Academy Award for writing The Imitation Game, starring none other than Benedict Cumberbatch, my favorite on-screen Sherlock.
But my most rewarding binge was on Alexander the Great. And the winner here is Mary Renault’s Alexander trilogy (Fire From Heaven, The Persian Boy, Funeral Games). Reading Renault's work alongside more traditional biographies (and a bit of Arrian) makes you wonder how Oliver Stone could have possibly made such a boring movie from such thrilling material.
Sidebar
I read hardcovers, eBooks on a Kindle, eBooks on an iPhone, and I listen to audiobooks. I consider all of this to be "reading". For example, I listened to the entire English Guitarist Memoir trilogy on audiobook, which I highly recommend. Pete Townshend reads his own book, and he comes off as much more self-effacing and able to laugh at himself than I suspect he would in print, where his tendency to pomposity would be more obvious. And Keith Richards' audiobook is a delightful mess: it starts with Johnny Depp, who must have gotten bored halfway through. Then a replacement bloke with a cockney accent jumps in. Then Keith decides, what the hell, I'm gonna read a few chapters! It's all so...Keith.
Best Stephen King Book Not Written By Stephen King
Upon its publication in 2010, Justin Cronin’s The Passage was immediately compared to The Stand. Followed by The Twelve and The City of Mirrors, King himself called it “a trilogy that will stand as one of the great achievements in American fantasy fiction.”
Worst Stephen King Book Written By Stephen King
I read a lot of fantasy series this decade. A Song of Ice and Fire (which you may recognize as Game of Thrones). All 15 books of The Wheel of Time. Lev Grossman's The Magicians. His Dark Materials. The aforementioned Once and Future King*.
So I thought, hey, Stephen King is one of the great storytellers of modern times. Let's give his fantasy series, The Dark Tower, a shot. It must be good.
Spoiler: It is not good.
* Arthurian legend is the foundation story of all modern fantasy stories, from The Lord of the Rings to Star Wars to Harry Potter. And let's be clear: Star Wars is fantasy, NOT science fiction. It has knights and swords and magic and princesses. Obi-Wan Kenobi is Merlin and Luke is Arthur. In the prequel trilogy Yoda is Merlin and Anakin is Arthur. And in the new trilogy Luke is Merlin and Rey is Arthur. Got it? Good.
The Book Most Likely to Make My Wife Kick Me Under the Table
There's a certain kind of book - non-fiction, well-written, a colon in the title, and a Big Idea at its heart - that will make me talk about it for months afterwards. Eventually, I'm out to dinner with other people and am rambling on for entirely too long about how ancient Romans used memory palaces to commit multi-hour speeches to memory and - thwack! - my wife will deliver a well-placed blow to my shin.
Here are the nominees:
The Sports Gene: Inside the Science of Extraordinary Athletic Performance
David Epstein
Moonwalking with Einstein: The Art and Science of Remembering Everything
Joshua Foer
The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined
Steven Pinker
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Won't Stop Talking
Susan Cain
Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth
Reza Aslan
If you're an introvert and want to understand yourself better OR an extrovert who lives and works with introverts and wants to understand them better, read Quiet.
If you think the age you live in is the worst ever and am open to being proven dramatically wrong, read Better Angels.
And if you really want to get kicked under the table, read Moonwalking.
Sidebar
I've kept a book log for 19 years, which is how I'm able to do this ridiculous "awards" program. But I'm sure these awards are suffering from recency bias. For example, I just read The Passage trilogy so it's top of mind. But back in 2012 I read a novel called The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach. I remembered loving it. I remember it was kinda sorta about baseball and college. I remember it was beloved by critics. But alas, I don't remember anything else about it.
If I had just read it, it probably would have won a coveted J-B Award. Alas, it just gets a quick mention here.
Best Books I Didn't Actually Read
Over the course of several Christmases Santa brought me The Landmark Thucydides, The Landmark Herodotus, and The Landmark Caesar. These are beautiful books, objets d'art, that present ancient historical texts in a setting for non-scholars.
For example, The Landmark Thucydides presents a translation of The Peloponnesian War, complete with maps and introductions and same-page footnotes. But it also includes a dozen essays by noted scholars on everything from naval warfare in the 5th century BCE to the structures of Athenian government.
I haven't read all the ancient texts from end to end. But they are books I pick up, read an essay, read some passages - the Athenians' disastrous invasion of Sicily, the Spartans at Thermopylae - and move on. Perhaps in retirement I'll really dig into these things.
Best Novel
Let's be clear: every book in this category is better than The Passage and the Replacements book and pretty much everything else. A great novel is hypnotic - when lost in its pages you miss train stops and meals and deadlines - the world stops around you. It makes you think and it teaches you things about humanity and philosophy and morality and history and everything that matters.
As Hilary Mantel, one of this year's nominees said, "A novel should be a book of questions, not of answers."
The nominees are:
The Son
Phillip Meyer
A Constellation of Vital Phenomena
Anthony Marra
Lincoln in the Bardo
George Saunders
A Visit from the Goon Squad
Jennifer Egan
Wolf Hall
Hillary Mantel
Matterhorn
Karl Marlantes
Since I have a bias for history wrapped up in literature, particularly history that I'm dreadfully ignorant of, the coveted JB Prize goes to Wolf Hall. The first book in a trilogy about Thomas Cromwell, it stands alongside Robert Caro's biographies as a masterwork about how power is gained and wielded. And it's a helluva story too.
Best History Book
Let's get right to it:
The Passage of Power: The Years of Lyndon Johnson Volume IV
Robert Caro
Speaking of Robert Caro's biographies...
I assume there are people will read all 4000 pages of Caro's monumental biography of LBJ (he's at 4 volumes and 3000 pages now). I doubt I'll be one of them.
But this volume, covering his last years in the Senate through the assassination of JFK and the first tumultuous year of his Presidency, covers a fascinating period of American history told by a master historian.
Gettysburg: The Last Invasion
Allen Guelzo
What elevates this from a good battle history to a great work of history are the dozens, perhaps hundreds, of little stories he tells. Stories of valor, tragedy, folly, humor. Stories of generals and privates, but also of the citizens of a Pennsylvania town that was visited for 3 days by an inferno of death.
Among all these portraits and stories emerges a coherent narrative of this enormous battle.
Paul Revere's Ride
David Hackett Fischer
Sometimes the legend is true. Sometimes the truth is even more interesting than the legend.
Paul Revere's midnight ride achieved its legendary status thanks to Henry Wadworth Longfellow's famous poem ("Listen, my children, and you shall hear, Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.") What followed was a century of revisionists correcting Mr. Longfellow.
But Fischer rescues the true story, and it is a damned good one. (He did the same thing for Washington in Washington's Crossing and corrects the myth of American's "Puritan founding" in The Seeds of Albion.)
Grant
Ron Chernow
If Robert Caro isn't our finest biographer, perhaps it's Ron Chernow?
I don't expect this book to get the same Broadway musical hit treatment as his 2004 biography of Alexander Hamilton, but it may be a better book - or at least, a more interesting subject.
Grant's reputation doesn't need reviving - and yet Chernow does just that. He makes you realize he was a greater military strategist than he is often given credit for; nothing like the butcher he is often accused of; and a far better President than historians usually accord him.
And it's a great read taking you everywhere from pre- and postwar Mexico, antebellum California, gilded age New York, a grand tour of Europe - and of course, the great battlefields of The Civil War.
The Guns at Last Light: The War in Western Europe, 1944-45. Volume 3 of The Liberation TrilogyI don't expect this book to get the same Broadway musical hit treatment as his 2004 biography of Alexander Hamilton, but it may be a better book - or at least, a more interesting subject.
Grant's reputation doesn't need reviving - and yet Chernow does just that. He makes you realize he was a greater military strategist than he is often given credit for; nothing like the butcher he is often accused of; and a far better President than historians usually accord him.
And it's a great read taking you everywhere from pre- and postwar Mexico, antebellum California, gilded age New York, a grand tour of Europe - and of course, the great battlefields of The Civil War.
Rick Atkinson
When An Army at Dawn, the first volume of Atkinson's Liberation Trilogy came out in 2002, it was clear that the Second World War had found its Bruce Catton. Just as Catton focused on the Army of the Potomac in his great trilogy (Mr. Lincoln's Army, Glory Road, A Stillness at Appomattox), Atkinson zeroes in on the Allied triumph in Europe.
The Guns at Last Light is the concluding volume of this great work, and is the winner of the Johnny Bingo Award for History.
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS
Two of my writing heroes passed away this decade.
Tom Wolfe
Tom Wolfe became my writing hero early in college. "Radical Chic and Mau-Mauing the Flak Catchers" opened up my eyes to what non-fiction writing could be. Then I read "The Right Stuff", and all of the pyrotechnics from his earlier work was gone, and its absence made me realize how good the work was - indeed, how one might go about doing this. If you want to write well, forget all of the books about writing; just read "The Right Stuff" and pay attention.
And then he thought, after proving himself as possibly the greatest non-fiction writer of the century, what the hell, he'd write a novel. 500 years from now, when historians and cultural archaeologists want to know what the greatest city in the world was like before the internet changed the world, they need only read "Bonfire of the Vanities".
(If you care about the novel as an art form, read his essay, "Stalking The Billion-Footed Beast".)
Elmore Leonard
Elmore Leonard is almost certainly the writer I've been reading the longest. I was checking out 52 Pickup and Hombre from the Farmingdale Library bookmobile as a kid. I read nine of his books this decade - the last one, Fire in the Hole*, in 2013.
* Hollywood has always loved Leonard. Hombre was turned into a Western starring Paul Newman. 52 Pickup was a Roy Scheider movie. And Fire in the Hole is a collection that includes the story that inspired the excellent FX series Justified. My favorite movie from an Elmore Leonard book is the wildly underrated Out of Sight.
The best way to honor Elmore Leonard is to share with you his ten rules of writing.
- Never open a book with weather.
- Avoid prologues.
- Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue.
- Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said"…he admonished gravely.
- Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.
- Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."
- Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.
- Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
- Don't go into great detail describing places and things.
- Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.
Well, that's it for the Johnny Bingo Awards. See ya in 2030. Happy Reading!
