As a parent I have been through the college application process twice in the past five years, as have many friends, family, and peers. I’ve therefore become a collector of theories - theories as to why students get admitted, rejected, wait-listed, early-admitted, blessed with bounteous scholarships or handed retail pricing, and so on at various schools.
Wanna hear them all?
(The names of these theories have been changed, rearranged, flipped, and twisted to protect the innocent and the guilty. In other words, they have no meaning whatsoever except to me and the person I’m sub-tweeting.)
The Glass Plus Theory
This theory holds that at certain schools, evidence of leadership is paramount. Sure you have the SATs and the grades, you were a pretty good athlete, and was a member of good standing in the photography club.
But were you the captain of your water polo team? The president of the photography club? No?
REJECTED!
The Ice Cream Cone Theory
So your kid got wait-listed by Michigan State…but received a nice scholarship from the little school with MUCH higher average SAT and GPA scores. And your kid does not have particularly good SATs and GPAs. What gives?
This theory holds that the big schools with 40,000 applications lack the time and inclination to lovingly pore over every app. They run them through an SAT/GPA grinder and out comes the winners and losers.
But that little school? They actually care that you volunteered every Saturday at the nursing home. That you led your Girl Scout troop in cookie sales every year.
They have discerned, past your numbers, qualities they are looking for at their school.
The Lewispatch Theory
Congratulations! You are your school’s valedictorian! You scored a 1600 on your SATs and a 36 on your ACTs! You’ve won all of your community’s scholarships and your college essay proposed a plausible solution to end the Syrian civil war! You were captain of the basketball team, president of the photography club, and star of the school play!
You have Ivy League credentials but don’t want to go to Harvard, you want to go to the school 30 minutes away that you’ve loved your entire life.
Your friend, the one with the 1120 SATs who warmed the bench on the football team? He made it in. That other kid, currently on probation for a DWI, got wait-listed. You finally get your letter and…
REJECTED!
This is an actual mostly-true story my friend heard from an admissions director at his alma mater. Turns out this kid, even though he had been on campus many times, had never registered his presence at the school. Didn’t do the official tour because he didn’t need to - he knew the school inside out!
And the school just figured, there’s no way this kid wants to come here. So why waste a seat on him?
The Ramen Theory
You’ve applied to a very good school – not an Ivy but next level down. Your SATs are well over the average for this school. Your grades are right on the average mark. Easy, right?
Wait-Listed.
How can this be?
This theory holds that the admissions folks see a gap between talent and performance. Hmm, she thinks: why did this student get these grades with those brains? If the numbers were reversed – if the SATs were average (for this excellent school) and the grades were well above average, well, that’s the kind of student we prefer!
The Aunt Becky Theory
This is a new one! Apparently the good spots at the good schools are being taken by the children of Aunt Becky from Full House!
Look, this scandal is delicious, and Americans are mostly tuned in because actors are involved, and if you want to get Americans interested in something it’s important to include people whose job is to pretend to be other people. But shit like this has been going on for years and we’ve all known it. We all know seats go to the donors and the legacies and the connected. Heck, by the time they’ve filled out the slots for those categories, and given the soccer and basketball and fencing coaches all their players, and NOW according to this scandal the fake soccer and basketball and fencing players…well, there’s not a lot of seats left, are there?
And we can be damned sure that this scam artist out in California isn’t the only one of his kind. Every economist will tell you that humans respond to incentives, and the economic incentives of getting into great schools combined with the love parents have for their children is a force so great it would mow down the Avengers.
But disincentives are pretty damned powerful, too. And seeing one of the Desperate Housewives hauled off in cuffs will hopefully prevent future would-be line-cutters and their soccer coach enablers to watch their step. For a little while anyway.
The Great Gazoo Theory
My bro-in-law summed it all up perfectly. It’s all a crapshoot and nobody knows anything.
+++
But you know what? It doesn’t really matter. MSNBC looked at the CEOs from all the Fortune 500 companies, and guess which school produced the most CEOs? Harvard? Stanford? No, it's the University of Wisconsin, with 13 Fortune 500 CEOs!
The SUNY schools of NY are tied with Yale at 5 each.
And some of you will recognize the title of this post from the movie Risky Business. Joel Goodson, played by a young Tom Cruise, realizes he's not going to get into Princeton, and will have to settle for the University of Illinois. Well, guess what? U of I and Princeton have produced an equal number of Fortune 500 CEOs.
Or as Joel Goodson's friend Miles said, "Every now and then say, "What the f*ck." "What the f*ck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future."
